Photo: lesbian kiss in Tiananmen Square under guards, Mao
I have been thinking a lot about China lately. It seems to be such an enigma to westerners. The language is among the most complex, and the history and customs are older than the entire U.S.A.'s history. They all at once seem like an oppressed people and the greatest force on earth. The same is true of lesbians. There is some odd compulsion in the (U.S.A) male populace that finds lesbianism erotic. I have never understood this or felt it. I am in awe of lesbians because they are what I can never be. Gay men, not so hard to identify with. I have the same equipment. Lesbianism seems like the ultimate rejection or all that is male. How could that be erotic? When I see "hot" lesbian action, I just think of how I am forever denied that experience. It's not that I want to be transexual. That's not the same. I just want the body-mind swap to experience it. To all lesbians: I am jealous.
It feels as though the only area in which my male body has an advantage is in capacity for physical strength, and I am nowhere near that ideal. And that doesn't even seem like a useful goal. I can hone my body to it's potential. It was for many years. I know what it is like to feel every movement to be controlled and precise. Years of gymnastics, martial arts and rock climbing will do that.
I have lost that, because for the last 6 years I have been going to school, supposedly honing my mind. I have the degrees to show for it. I feel like I have once again run up against some invisible wall that limits me. This time it is mental. I can't memorize or access enough information. It's just the same as the physical limits. There is some point where I either have to stop to maintain balance or specialize and lose performance in another area.
So what do I do now?
I don't know.